After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
