he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
