3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
