When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
