They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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