Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
