No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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