Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
