she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
