Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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