I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
