pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Even my vagina gasped.
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
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I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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