I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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