just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
