1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
