I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
