you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
