Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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