She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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