saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
