Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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