you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
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These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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