I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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