Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
