You're my little dorito
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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