I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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