How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
