I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
