i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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