I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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