I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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