I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
