Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
