Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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