so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
