The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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