I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
