did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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