The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
