I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
