fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize