I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
