My first STD was from a foam party
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
