go do what you do best...puke behind churches
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
