tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
