There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
