I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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