She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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