THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
