the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
