All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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