Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
