I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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