I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
