If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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