I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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