listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
