No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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