evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
